Dear MTA…
Ok, so not to be a shit slinger but, come the fuck on people. The MTA really blows me hard. Forget this proposed LIRR fare hike. No, I’m talking about the passengers. I know the douchery of the MTA patrons has nothing to do with the MTA itself, but come the fuck on. Have a harsher penalty for being an overracting asshole, at least.
The point is, they need to not have these fucking emergency brakes being pulled all the damn time. Emergency brakes are for ______? Fill in the blank…? That’s right, Gomer, you guessed it- EMERGENCIES. Not minor scuffles or nausea or spilled smoothies or JV tagging or whatever. For a fucking immediate problem you need someone else’s help with. I mean like you’re water broke or you’re being held up or someone wakes you up by sticking their penis in your ear. No, not even the last one. You could probably handle that shit by yourself without stopping the whole train. By the time the conductor gets all the way back to your car there’s no telling what may have gone down by then. You’re better off punching the dude in the nuts and getting the fuck through those “illegal” between car doors.
So, anyway, I’m on the V train the other day at 2nd Avenue on the way to a job in Queens and some little kids, like 11 to 14, get on my same car. Big deal. Kids being loud on the train to seem cool. Woohoo. No one cares. That’s about as commonplace as a career woman in a skirt suit, drop socks and Reebok classics. Blah. The point is that the damn train was empty. There’s literally ten people on my car. The kids start throwing ice cubes, supposedly, at some middle aged Italian man in an ill-fitting v-neck. I’m reading my New Yorker and then BAM. Train lurches to a stop and a crazy ass, scrappy, full throttle screaming match breaks out and I’m stuck for thirty fucking minutes on a stopped train. Turns out the dude pulled the emergency brake. He felt threatened. We were literally 30 seconds from Broadway Lafayette and he had to pull that shit THERE and THEN. Needless to say, I’m late for my job and pissed to high hell. We skip Broadway Lafayette, get to West 4th, the cops come on the train, take the kids off, frisk them, talk to ol’ V-Neck, everyone for our train has to get on an F across the platform cause the emergency stopping fucked the brakes up. And yeah.
I’ve lived here for five years and that shit has only ever happened to me once before, but at least that was cause someone started hemoraging spontaneously. Three weeks after the ice cube incident, it happened again. MTA, I understand you’re trying to do your jobs. I appreciate this. Subway riders, stop acting like imbeciles and deal with your shit. What kind of fuckery is this, people? Honestly.
Bout to go get on the train and go make some pecan pie. Too bad it’ll probably stop unexpectedly.
I’m thankful for people acting correct and not pulling emergency brakes like toolboxes. Holleration.
Gobble gobble, bitches.
