A Broke Ass Tale: Dunkin Deez Nuts - by Baby Rox
Poor little Duncan Dunkin. He’s oh so cute and cold. But he has skin problems. And maybe he’s traumatized. He was frozen to the fucking ground like a soggy noodle thrown out the window, crusted to the icey woodland forest floor. So, he will probably kirk the fuck out on you if you try and adopt him. That is of course only if once you get him home you drink ice water in his presence or talk about zambonis, Hans Brinker, Brian Boitano, put on the Snow Queen episode of Faerie Tale Theater, indulge in any types of assorted frozen treats or whip out your favorite pair of Freezy Freakies. He will jump out of his warm, fuzzy bed-let and go straight for you jugular. The last thing you see will be he’s sweet, patchy-furred mug covered in your own steaming throat blood. It will be a good day for you. Adopt Dunkin. He’s the spawn of Cujo. Not only does he look like that motherfucker, but how the hell else can you explain the fact that he survived his icy debacle. Too bad his savior wasn’t interviewed in this CNN video (it’s cause it was Cujo, and you bitches know he doesn’t give interviews any more). But, nonetheless, CNN and its stellar investigative reporters managed to snag Cujo’s neighbor, wannabe spotlight stealer dude in the Raven’s hat and my memaw’s track jacket. Also, his last name is “SKANK.” His best line of the whole clip “I wisht I had found it, but at least one of my neighbors did (CUJO). So I have solace in that.” He’s comforting himself for not being the hero who actually saved Dunkin. Poor, poor Mr. Skank. Maybe he should adopt Dunkin’s chilly ass. Perfection.
But, real talk, it’s good Dunkin’s OK but for REAL CNN???? They need to find some better shit to put on their site. Puppy stories while Gaza is dying… come the fuck on.
Thanks for playing, bunnies! I’m Bob Barker Baby Rox, Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets!
xoxo,
Pebbles
Dunkin’s Daddy-O
xoxo
