Move over Jessica Rabbit, there’s a new Boss Bunny Bitch in Town…
… and her name is Miriam Sakewitz. She’s a large and in charge, lop-eared lover who maybe is too big of a Jeffrey Dahmer fan for her own good. She didn’t eat them, if that’s what you’re thinking of. Although, that wouldn’t be that odd, considering rabbit stew is a popular dish in Germany. Anyway… back to the lecture at hand.
I only make the connection illustrated above because when this biatch was arrested for the first time in Portland, Oregon in 2006 the po-lice found not only 250 little cottontail’ed friends hopping around her house but also, 100 dead bunny foo foos frozen up in her Frigidaire. Yeah. The 5-0s realized Ms. Sakewitz’s rabbit hoarding problem was so serious that they put out a restraining order on her in the name of every bunny out there. Good ol’ Miriam has to stay 100 yards from anything with floppy ears and a perky tail (look out, Michael Phelps!!). But seriously, folks, this shit is no joke. Can’t you see Miriam going door to door around her neighborhood introducing herself as your friendly, local small animal hoarder/molester/serial killer (or at least compulsive freezer). Pet stores probably have pictures of this bitch up behind the counter. She comes in to eat ice cream cones in front of the bunny cages in mirror-ized Oakley Razor Blades and a hoodie only to be sternly shown the sign that says “no creeping allowed.”
Welcome to the past three years of Miriam’s life. Her DVD copies of Alice in Wonderland, Bambi and Watership Down are all full of holes after repeated looped play. And soon enough that 2D flat screen rendition wasn’t enough for the looney tune Ms. M. She not only stole her bunnies back and then got 5 years probation, BUT… in 2007 the police performed a random search of her house and although they found no actual rabbits, there was a suspect bag in her possession. No, it was not filled with rabbit hair, or bunny parts, it was a 10 pound bag of carrots.
I guess the cops didn’t figure Miriam for a scurvy survivor and they threw her ass in the slammer for 3 days. Good to know a bag of carrots gets you 3 days in jail. Remind me never to go to Oregon with anything stronger than than an Advil PM in tow.
(\__/)
(=’.'=)
(”)_(”)
this little guy hearts ibuprofin!
Anyways, Tuesday Miriam was arrested after a maid at some $10 an hour motel found dozens of furry friends rabbiting around in her room and reported her to the authorities. Little did the maid know, this was not Miriam’s first dalliance with the cottontail’ed kind. I can see it now, Miriam in her pet-store-lurking-garb (Razor Blades and all), rolling up to The Bed Hopper Inn to the room she keeps for her special friends. She gets in the room and surriptitiously removes a jumbo pack of alfalfa and a hard cover copy of “Good Night Moon” from under her hoodie.
She’s about to curl up on the floor and let the night go where it will when the po-po’s start knocking down her door. (For some reason the only thing I can think of here is that fucking amazing scene from Death Becomes Her when Goldie Hawn and all her cats get busted in on by the cops and torn away from the TV. Underrated movie. Check the scene out.)
Too bad she never had the same childhood rabbit I did. She was a bitch. I later found out she was a dude, aptly named “Bunny” who kicked and bit and hissed. Granted I did dress her up when she was just a kit. Maybe that’s why HE was such a dick later in life. I scarred his rabbit gender identity. Poor Bunny.
And poor Miriam and all her homeless little friends. Hopefully she can just collect bunny memorbelia (something we def. understand here at the House of Cottontail) and all the rabbit-os can be adopted by responsible 1st grade classes across the nation. And every one lived happily ever after. Except maybe the maid at The Bed Hopper Inn. And the pet shop owner. And maybe the carrots.
The End.
xoxo
