Hold on to your butts, kiddos. Because it’s that time of the nerd calender year when the magical, mystical side of Warner Brothers releases the hew Harry Potter trailer. And this is el ultimo chapitre if you know what I’m tri-lingual-ing to say. Fuck yeah.

So, let’s start off with this: I like Harry Potter. The books are better than the movies but the movies are still pretty entertaining. And if you’ve read them, you know the last book was a sodding epic of Tolkienian proportions. So for the sake of maximizing profits, I’m sure, Warner Brothers has decided to make the almost 1000 page book into two films. And, appropriately so. I mean, how else would they be able to squish so many angst filled, muffled and hissed exchanges between our hero and the snake faced Voldemort into anything less than 6 hours? Well, the potential is there, that’s for sure. But, fuck, this trailer is awful. If the movies, part I comes out November 2010 and part II drops July 2011, are anything like this repetitive and hollow trailer, you’d be better off listening to the book on tape. Although I’m sure the full set of CDs/tapes is probably like $70 and a movie ticket is only $12.50. Oh wait, I looked it up. It’s only $50 and that’s from overstock.com!!! Shitttt….

Anyway. This trailer is bogus. Call me a hater. I am. It’s fine. My favorite part is probably… hrm. This is hard. I guess the shot of Helena Bonham Carter’s face?

Maybe Ron Weasley looking like a ginger fox? Ummm… Voldemort’s manicure? Yeah when the minutia is this important in a trailer that cost a million bucks and change to make I’m thinking it’s a loss.

Another big beef I have with this? The music is awful. That’s always one of the best parts of the other trailers. There was always something kind of haunting and mysterious about them, having much to do with the tinkling theme. Something creepy and wonderful. This is like the wizarding A Team. I don’t give a shit about explosions and short establishing face shots so I can remember how these overpaid kids are aging. Especially with cresendos every 2 seconds and some stupid faux-chamber choir singing “powerful” stuff. No thanks.

And what’s with the no real plot moment highlighting? It’s been years since the book came out and I’m not such a fan geek that I have the shit so fresh in my mind. I’m looking at this thinking, “did I even read this book?” I get it that the only real lines of dialogue are spoken by good ol’ He Who Must Not be Named then that one about “I have something to live for” comes out of a squeezed cheeked Mr. Potter.

I get it. I do. I get it. Good versus evil. The struggle between the two of them. The finality of it all. But really, this shit sucks. I’m sorry. I got amped to see it and I was so totally let down. Do I even put a link in here for you to subject yourself to the wackness? I guess I have to so you can see what I’m talking about but holy mediocrity, Batman. What would Dumbledore say?

For shame, Mr. Potter. For shame.

FYI, I will definitely be seeing part I of this shit show in the fall. Sit on your thumbs till my review comes out. Whether vindicating or scathing, I’m sure you will enjoy!

Have a cuntrixified day!

xoxo

-Pebbles van Peebles

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